Tag Archives: Screw It I’ll Take The Elevator

Thank you Maitreya (a good source of hilarity)

Here’s another extract from Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator

After meeting him at Guayrapa in 2015 we have stayed in touch via email and Skype.

There are certain people who really understand me and he is one of them. We have a strong bond and are like brothers. He has really helped and advised me over the last two and a half years.

Not only is he a great ascension teacher, I can rely on him if I have a problem and need advice.

When I went to Guayrapa last year Maitreya was there and got me food at mealtimes and did my weekly laundry for me. And he is going to be there to help me when I go back in September.

We like telling people stories about each other and I have a few about Maitreya!

This is an anecdote, from Guayrapa last year, that he likes telling even more than I do!

It wasn’t uncommon for Maitreya to get food for me first and then for him to go and sit at another table (with only room for six people per table). However on the day in question Maitreya sat with me twice.

At lunchtime we sat with four other people, one of whom was ‘Scott from Scotland’ (a golf instructor and one of my roommates). As the conversation was about golf it gave me a cue to tell my golf joke, which got a good laugh.

Then at dinnertime, Maitreya was sitting opposite me and we were at a table with three or four people, who had just arrived at the retreat. We hadn’t met them before and English wasn’t their first language.

After we had introduced ourselves and asked them where they were from, Maitreya (thinking it would make a good icebreaker) quietly said to me “Tell your golf joke, it’s really funny…!”

I thought ‘I’m so bored of it and I’m  eating’, so I replied “No, I can’t eat and talk at the same time. You tell it…”

After pausing for a moment, Maitreya turned to the rest of the people on the table and piped out “I’ve got a joke about Patrick……Why does Patrick like playing golf so much?……Because he’s got a good handicap!”

The look on the new people’s faces was one of horror and confusion. They were speechless!

Not knowing what to say or do Maitreya reiterated “…It’s a joke…”. He looked at me as if to say ‘Help me out of this hole I’m in…”

So I put my hands over my eyes and started pretending to sob, saying “How can you make fun of someone who’s disabled?”

Still speechless, the new people looked even more horrified and perplexed. They probably thought ‘Who are these strange people and where have we just landed?”

I’m sure Maitreya just wanted to run away! But he continued trying to recover the situation, scrambling “No, no, it’s okay, he’s joking…”

He then went on and tried explaining what a handicap in golf is (without much luck)!

I was just enjoying the moment.

And that’s how Maitreya got his reputation as someone who makes fun of disabled people!

Come September I’ll have three months of this kind of thing!

I love spending time with my ‘brother’. He’s not all bad. He’s good at selling my books for me. And being an author himself, he has helped me self-publish this one on Create Space.

Maitreya has written two books under the name Oliver Seligman. The Broker Who Broke Free and No Rest for the Wicked.

I’ve read them and they are both GREAT reads. The latter is a laugh-out-loud book.

You can get your copy of Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator HERE & NOW

Thank you Steve Norman from Spandau Ballet

Here’s another extract from Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator

To cut a long story short, Steve tweeted me a few months ago to say how much he enjoyed Stairs For Breakfast and he is full of praise for me. However I think he was disappointed that Spandau Ballet aren’t mentioned in my first book, whilst their ‘arch rivals’ Duran Duran are!

There is no question, Spandau Ballet are one of the biggest pop groups of the 1980s. I was a thirteen- year-old schoolboy when ‘Through The Barricades’ was in the charts. I remember hearing a small cluster of twenty-something-year-old teaching assistants chatting about Spandau Ballet, and which band member they fancied the most. I’m sorry Steve, I don’t recall hearing your name.

Without a doubt ‘True’ is one of the greatest ballads of all-time. When I hear the saxophone in the song, I think of you Steve.

You seem like a great human being with a heart of GOLD. It was fun having lunch with you recently. I like people who I can have a laugh with, and you are one of them!

You can get your copy of Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator HERE & NOW

The time I had to provide a urine sample (I’m not taking the pee!)

Here’s another extract from Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator

In November [2012], Larry drove me to see the consultant at Chichester Hospital. I had to provide a urine sample. On the way there I suggested buying some apple juice to fool the urine tester.

However, when we got to the hospital, I was bursting for a wee and asked the staff for a specimen pot.

Picture the scene:

I was standing at the toilet, with my trousers and boxer shorts around my ankles to avoid the consequences of an overspill. I was using my right hand (and stick) to balance, holding the little pot in my left hand. I didn’t know which to do first. A tiny wee in the pot or my main wee in the toilet. I was concerned that once I got going I wouldn’t be able to stop. For the record, I did the tiny wee first and was in perfect control at all times.

Waiting to see the consultant, I realised that Larry was holding my urine sample. As I didn’t want to hold it, I decided not to raise it. Talk about taking the piss.

The consultant saw me for about half an hour. He asked me a few questions, examined my limbs and ordered some x-rays. He suspected nerve damage in my right arm and referred me to have my nerves tested.

Ten days after this, I received a copy of the letter he sent to Alison, confirming my referral for nerve testing. In his letter, the consultant said, “Patrick’s CP might have gone downhill this late in life.” I was thirty-nine years old!

I think the consultant needs educating. Cerebral Palsy is not a progressive disability and it doesn’t shorten life expectancy. On the contrary, I become better able to do things as time goes on.

You can get your copy of Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator HERE & NOW

When Amanda offered me a piggyback ride

Here’s another extract from Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator

When I met Amanda for the first time I discovered she was a voluptuous lady and quite a bit taller than me. Physically, I felt like a midget compared to her. However, being of a similar age and intellectual status, we connected straight away.

After our meeting about the work needed on Login Manager, where we spent most of the time laughing and joking, Amanda said the second best thing anyone has ever said to me.

It was a large building and it was quite a long walk to my car and aware that I had my laptop in my rucksack to carry, Amanda asked “Would you like me to give you a piggyback back to your car?”

It made me laugh out loud before saying, “Thank you for offering but I’ll be alright.” In hindsight I wish I had replied “Yes please” to see what she would had done.

We enjoyed a brilliant working relationship over the next two and a half years or so.

You can get your copy of Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator HERE & NOW

Cheese, handbags and swinging parties

Here’s another extract from Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator

Someone I regularly spoke to on Saturdays was Jennifer, one of the journalists at Splash who used to do the Saturday morning news shift. Being a conscientious worker, Jennifer often worked in the afternoon writing and preparing things for the following week.

One weekend the air-conditioning in the studios broke down. Phil was ok as he had a temporary fan in the main studio. However it was so hot and stuffy in the news booth that I took off my jumper and t-shirt. At football half-time I went into the office to get some fresh air.

As I opened the door and stepped into the office, Jennifer glanced up at me and from where she was sitting half obscured by a desk, she thought I was completely naked! It gave her a shock and it was a first as I’ve never had that effect on someone before!

I’ve always thought there was an air of mystery surrounding Jennifer because she never revealed much about herself. All I really know about her is that she’s got a long term boyfriend, likes cheese and is into collecting handbags.

For all I know, Jennifer could also be into swinging and Tupperware parties.

Now as you know, I’m not someone who likes being put in a box but it’s got me wondering – is a swinging and Tupperware party where people are put in a box?

I’ve emailed Jennifer the above and her response is “very good, I quite like Tupperware”.

You can get your copy of Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator HERE & NOW

A party I’ll never forget

Here’s another extract from Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator

After moving into my flat I wasted no time in becoming known in the on-site bar. There I met my friend Steve Bell and became friends with his wife Jill and daughter Tammy.

Unlike me, Steve is an artistic person. He used to be a secondary school art teacher and has always played a variety of musical instruments. The reason Steve and I get on so well is because we are both people persons and share the same values and sense of humour.

Neither of us will forget the time we went to a party at someone’s house. I was in the back garden when a woman, ten to fifteen years older than me, approached me and asked:

Lady: “What do you do?”

Me: “I’m a computer programmer and I work for Shh.”

Lady [looking perplexed]: “no…really, what is it that you do?”

Me: “I really am a computer programmer – and I do work for Shh.”

Lady [still unconvinced]: “no, honestly, what is it that you do?”

Me [becoming bored] “What can I say? I am a computer programmer…”

At which point Steve walks by.

Me: “Steve, help me out here. This lady doesn’t believe me that I’m a computer programmer and that I work for Shh.”

Steve [without hesitating]: “No, he works at the post office, licking stamps…”

Steve [pausing for a second] “…and on Sundays he works at the supermarket, stacking shelves. But he only stacks the middle shelves because he can’t reach the top or bottom shelves.”

Lady [smiling, as she pinched my cheek]: “Ahh, I knew it.” [then she walked away]

Obviously, I didn’t know Steve was going say what he said. It was absolutely hilarious!

On another occasion Steve and I were having a beer with our friend and neighbour Adrian.

The three of us decided to come up with what would be the most inappropriate job for me to do. After obvious suggestions, such as, waiter, surgeon and car mechanic, our favourite one was when Adrian suggested “Air traffic controller!”

You can get your copy of Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator HERE & NOW

The day my car started smoking

Here’s another extract from Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator

About the time of my twenty-seventh birthday in November 2000 there was still a problem with my car. By that time it was stalling once a day.

Ten days before I started at the fire brigade, prior to a fund raising commitment due to start in the afternoon in central Brighton and which was likely to extend into the evening, I arranged to meet my friend Stuart in the Churchill Square shopping centre for lunch. I had time to do this before meeting up with my Prince’s Trust chums.

On my way to meet Stuart, turning off Brighton seafront into the road which leads to the side of Churchill Square, my car stalled.  After restarting my car, I went a few hundred yards up the hill, past the shopping centre’s multi-storey car park, before my car stalled again. More accurately, the car conked out! The engine wouldn’t restart and smoke started to escape from under the bonnet and drift upwards, ominously.

The commotion quickly gathered a crowd of onlookers. Before I knew it, somebody had dialled 999 and called the Fire Brigade!

People were telling me to get out of my car fast! I didn’t think it was that bad and replied, “It’s alright, it’s only a bit of smoke.”

While I was on the phone, telling Stuart what had happened and where I was, I heard the siren of a fast approaching fire engine. Stuart arrived just as the firemen were putting out the dying embers of my smouldering car!

I thanked the firemen and said, “You might find this hard to believe but I start working with you guys the week after next!”

Stuart and I decided to have lunch in the adjacent pub, whilst we waited for a recovery truck to take my car to the Renault garage and I remember it being a very funny lunch!

I’m not a mechanic and might be wrong here. I think all that started to smoulder was the rubber seal around the engine. Having said that, I don’t even know if car engines have rubber around them! Obviously there was an underlying problem with my car. Had my car been able to travel a few more yards, I would have got it into a parking space.

After my car had been taken away, I had a good story to tell people while fund raising. That evening I went home on the bus with Claudia, who also lived in Shoreham.

The next day the Renault garage was extremely apologetic for not having spotted the problem with my car sooner. They fixed my car in double quick time, ready for me to start my job with the fire brigade.

 You can get your copy of Screw It, I’ll Take The Elevator HERE & NOW