Over the years, I visualised my mortgage as if it were an iceberg surrounded by other icebergs of different sizes, melting at different speeds in the Antarctic. If left to melt away on its own, it would take 25 years. However, chipping away at it means it will disintegrate a lot faster.

Ps: I would like to apologise to Greenpeace because I feel, by paying off my mortgage so quickly, I have contributed to rising sea levels… 🙂

You can pre-order your copy of  ‘Screw it, I’ll Take The Elevator’ NOW! http://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/ukpatrick

1. Someone I regularly spoke to on Saturdays was Jennifer, one of the journalists at Splash who used to do the Saturday morning news shift. Being a conscientious worker, Jennifer often worked in the afternoon writing and preparing things for the following week.One weekend the air-conditioning in the studios broke down. Phil was ok as he had a temporary fan in the main studio. However it was so hot and stuffy in the news booth that I took off my jumper and t-shirt. At football half-time I went into the office to get some fresh air.As I opened the door and stepped into the office, Jennifer glanced up at me and from where she was sitting half obscured by a desk, she thought I was completely naked! It gave her a shock and it was a first as I’ve never had that effect on someone before!

   I’ve always thought there was an air of mystery surrounding Jennifer because she never revealed much about herself. All I really know about her is that she’s got a long term boyfriend, likes cheese and is into collecting handbags.

   For all I know, Jennifer could also be into swinging and Tupperware parties.

   Now as you know, I’m not someone who likes being put in a box but it’s got me wondering – is a swinging and Tupperware party where people are put in a box?

   I’ll ask Jennifer!

2. Another excellent contributor on the sports show was Phil’s school friend Andy Lutwyche. In addition to being a secondary school maths teacher, Andy played for Worthing FC and Worthing Cricket Club at the weekends. Phil chatted live on-air with Andy after his games. As two witty people, the pair were easy on the ear.

Andy is naturally funny. He would say to me “Do you know anything about sport yet? I don’t know how you can produce a sports show when you clearly don’t know anything about sport!”

To which I replied “Do you know anything about binary yet? I don’t know how you can be Head of Maths when you clearly don’t know anything about binary!”

You can pre-order your copy of  ‘Screw it, I’ll Take The Elevator’ NOW! http://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/ukpatrick

Fourth extract from, ‘Screw it, I’ll take the elevator’, Enjoy and to pre-order your copy, go to: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/ukPatrick

After moving into my flat I wasted no time in becoming known in the on-site bar. There I met my friend Steve Bell and became friends with his wife Jill and daughter Tammy.

Steve is a generation older than me and unlike me, he’s an artistic person. He used to be a secondary school art teacher and has always played a variety of musical instruments. The reason Steve and I get on so well is because we are both people persons and share the same values and sense of humour.

Neither of us will forget the time we went to a party at someone’s house. I was in the back garden when a woman, ten to fifteen years older than me, approached me and asked:

Lady: “What do you do?”

Me: “I’m a computer programmer and I work for Shh.”

Lady [looking perplexed]: “no…really, what is it that you do?”

Me: “I really am a computer programmer – and I do work for Shh.”

Lady [still unconvinced]: “no, honestly, what is it that you do?”

Me [becoming bored] “What can I say? I am a computer programmer…”

At which point Steve walks by.

Me: “Steve, help me out here. This lady doesn’t believe me that I’m a computer programmer and that I work for Shh.”

Steve [without hesitating]: “No, he works at the post office, licking

stamps…”

Steve [pausing for a second] “…and on Sundays he works at the supermarket, stacking shelves. But he only stacks the middle shelves because he can’t reach the top or bottom shelves.”

Lady [smiling, as she pinched my cheek]: “Ahh, I knew it.” [then she walked away]

Obviously, I didn’t know Steve was going say what he said. It was absolutely hilarious!

Third extract from, ‘Screw it, I’ll take the elevator’, Enjoy and to pre-order your copy, go to: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/ukPatrick

Teaching myself VB had served me well but there were still things that I wasn’t familiar with. I felt under so much pressure to succeed at the brigade so VB functions, which I would have found easy to look up at home, were far more difficult to unlock at work. I was probably too reliant on Edward for help at the beginning.

Six mini cans of Guinness had been left in my car by someone after I had helped them with their computer. One morning in the first month when I got to work, I was feeling so sick with nerves that I decided to have a few sips of Guinness, just to take the edge off.
Sitting in my car in the little compound at work, I opened one of the mini cans and took a little sip. Not having tasted Guinness before or being a morning alcohol drinker, I just vomited it straight back up and made a dark brown circular mark on the top right side of my blue shirt.
I couldn’t believe what I had done. There was no way I could go into the office with my shirt like that. I didn’t have another shirt in the car. It was past nine o’clock and I lived thirty-five minutes away. I thought ‘Sh*t, what do I do?’ I put my jacket on and zipped it up, so that only the top of my collar and tie were visible.

Despite feeling a little hot and with Bill and Edward bemused as to why I sat in the office all day with my jacket done up, I got away with it. Needless to say, my career as a would-be morning alcoholic started and ended that day…

Second extract from, ‘Screw it, I’ll take the elevator’, Enjoy and to pre-order your copy, go to: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/ukPatrick

“When I met Amanda for the first time I discovered she was a voluptuous lady and quite a bit taller than me. Physically, I felt like a midget compared to her. However, being of a similar age and intellectual status, we connected straight away.

After our meeting about the work needed on Login Manager, where we spent most of the time laughing and joking, Amanda said the second best thing anyone has ever said to me.

It was a large building and it was quite a long walk to my car and aware that I had my laptop in my rucksack to carry, Amanda asked “Would you like me to give you a piggyback back to your car?”

It made me laugh out loud before saying, “Thank you for offering but I’ll be alright.” In hindsight I wish I had replied “Yes please” to see what she would had done…?!?”

Enjoy and to pre-order your copy, go to: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/ukPatrick

First extract from, ‘Screw it, I’ll take the elevator’, Enjoy and to pre-order your copy, go to: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/ukPatrick

“About the time of my twenty-seventh birthday in November 2000 there was still a problem with my car. By that time it was stalling once a day.

Ten days before I started at the fire brigade, prior to a fund raising commitment due to start in the afternoon in central Brighton and which was likely to extend into the evening, I arranged to meet my friend Stuart in the Churchill Square shopping centre for lunch. I had time to do this before meeting up with my Prince’s Trust chums.

On my way to meet Stuart, turning off Brighton seafront into the road which leads to the side of Churchill Square, my car stalled.  After restarting my car, I went a few hundred yards up the hill, past the shopping centre’s multi-storey car park, before my car stalled again. More accurately, the car conked out! The engine wouldn’t restart and smoke started to escape from under the bonnet and drift upwards, ominously.

The commotion quickly gathered a crowd of onlookers. Before I knew it, somebody had dialled 999 and called the Fire Brigade!

People were telling me to get out of my car fast! I didn’t think it was that bad and replied, “It’s alright, it’s only a bit of smoke.”

While I was on the phone, telling Stuart what had happened and where I was, I heard the siren of a fast approaching fire engine. Stuart arrived just as the firemen were putting out the dying embers of my smouldering car!

I thanked the firemen and said, “You might find this hard to believe but I start working with you guys the week after next!”

Stuart and I decided to have lunch in the adjacent pub, whilst we waited for a recovery truck to take my car to the Renault garage and I remember it being a very funny lunch!

I’m not a mechanic and might be wrong here. I think all that started to smoulder was the rubber seal around the engine. Having said that, I don’t even know if car engines have rubber around them! Obviously there was an underlying problem with my car. Had my car been able to travel a few more yards, I would have got it into a parking space.

After my car had been taken away, I had a good story to tell people while fund raising. That evening I went home on the bus with Claudia, who also lived in Shoreham.

The next day the Renault garage was extremely apologetic for not having spotted the problem with my car sooner. They fixed my car in double quick time, ready for me to start my job with the fire brigade.”

Enjoy and to pre-order your copy, go to: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/ukPatrick

Audience 80+ people

As people keep asking me what’s happening with my book, here’s a quick update.

Roy Stannard proofread the book and Stephanie Hale gave me a call last week. Stephanie said she has provisionally set aside time this Friday to make all the corrections – but if the work isn’t completed on Friday it will be done by 6th May at the latest. I’m not expecting any more issues and the pre-ordered books can be printed soon after.

Many thanks for your messages of encouragement following my update last week. I’ll keep you posted.

After receiving my 210-Word page manuscript back from my libel lawyer, I’ve now read, and made the required changes, up to page 98. It’s time and energy consuming but I’m pleased with the modifications because I’m going to end up with an even better book!

I will continue to work through the manuscript over the festive period and return it to Stephanie Hale in early January. I am working towards having Stairs For Breakfast published by the end of January.

Thank you to everyone who has pre-ordered my book

Merry Christmas